This is a short story I wrote a long time ago. I found it recently and thought I would share it on my blog. Let me know what you think.
We left on time like we had planned. Hell, I think we might have gotten on the road even earlier than planned. Driving on an empty road at seven in the morning has a weird way of bringing up conversation. I don’t know if you ever met Ferdinand? I met him pretty early in college. He was my first roommate. He had just recently got fired from his job for encouraging his customers to steal. His claim was that a shirt should never cost more than thirty dollars. He was just bumming around so I asked if he was interested in joining me on a road trip to this wedding. He remembered Sue and said that he wouldn’t mind watching her tie the knot. I assured him that she didn’t have any attractive relatives or friends so chances of him hooking up with anyone were slim. He said that he would come anyway. He is either one of the best friends I have ever had or just has extremely low standards.
“Hey, how do you know that she doesn’t have any hot friends anyway?”
“I dated her for a year. I think I remember who most of her close friends were.”
“Maybe she got new friends, she got a new fiancé.”
“I was never her fiancé.”
“Oh. My bad.”
Ferdinand pulled out the map. The obnoxious crinkle from the paper blended nicely with the static from the radio.
“What time is the wedding?
“Seven.”
“So what time do we have to be there?”
“Seven.”
“That’s a shame. I heard they were having some sort of hot dog eating festival in Austin today. We could stop there for lunch. I bet they even have hot dog themed rides.”
“I would love to stop, believe me, but we have to keep driving if we are going to make time.”
“See you don’t even want to go to this wedding. This is the perfect opportunity. We stop at Hot Dog Land and then we leave to make it in time for the reception. I mean that’s the only part of the wedding that anyone really notices anyone else. Sue is going to be so concerned with shacking up with Mr. Right that she is not even going to notice that you weren’t at the ceremony.”
“No! I RSVPed and when you do that you make a promise.”
“Fine. Fine. You’re just mad because you know I would kick your ass at a hot dog eating contest.”
“I don’t even like hot dogs!”
“That is very un-American.”
I knew Ferdinand was right, not about the hot dogs about the wedding. I didn’t want to be there. Who wants to watch their ex-girlfriend get married. I couldn’t believe that I had even agreed to it. I always had a bad habit of doing whatever Sue wanted even whenever she was dating other men. I was just going to use this event as closure to chapter Sue in the novel of life.
I continued to drive down the old country road. Ferdinand lit a cigarette and I decided to see how long it would take him to ask permission to smoke in my car. He had stolen some sort of men’s magazine from the last gas station we had stopped at. You know the ones that have an up and coming hot actress on the cover wearing a hat, nothing else, just a hat. He was flipping through it giving me his commentary.
“I’d fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck her. Finger that one…but I’d fuck her friend. Fuck her. I would have sex with this one but I would be thinking about that one. I’d give this one a handshake… that’s it though…”
“You are all talk. I guarantee that you wouldn’t have the balls to even approach these women if you had the chance.”
“Bullshit. I got balls.”
“You’re all talk. You always have been.”
“Motherfucker you don’t know what I have been through. I have had some of the craziest fucked up shit happen to me. If you know only knew the half of it then you would know why I have no shame about approaching any bitch at anytime of the day.”
“Alright. Let’s here some of these crazy experiences that have shaped you as a man.”
“Ok, let’s see. Well, for example, I was raped.”
Yeah, that’s what he said. That he was raped. At first I felt really sorry for having made him bring it up, yet then I realized that there was a look of accomplishment on his face.
“Raped?”
“That’s right.”
“Like..by a… guy…or something?”
“Ah fuck no dude. I’m not gay.”
“It doesn’t mean you’re gay.”
“It was by a woman and she was amazing. It was my first time.”
“This doesn’t sound like rape at all Ferdinand.”
“It was rape like crazy, dude. This was when I was pretty young. I was nineteen and had just started at that clothing store. We had this manager who was a knockout. She was tall, had red hair, nice tits, and an ass and a smile that was so hot it would even give a boner to a woman. We started talking but it was kind of weird for me because I was young and stupid. I wanted to meet that special girl, fall in love, start a family, and all that pussy shit. I was a lot like you. This woman, though, would not give up on me. She would take me to some bar and complain about how much she didn’t love her husband and stuff.”
“Wait she was married? How old was she?”
“Like twenty nine or something. Hey is it alright if I smoke in here?”
Five Minutes.
“It’s fine. Go on with your story.”
“So she would take me out and we would make out but that was it. She was married. I wasn’t about to get into that shit with her. She would beg me to have sex with her, but I was firm in what I believed in at the time. She said that she understood. That was that. Then December 15, 2003, we have the company holiday party and we both get drunk as hell. She pulls me into my boss’s guest bedroom and we start making out again. Things get a little crazy and to cut to the chase my pants have somehow been ripped off and she is super naked. She grabs my cock and says ‘I’m sorry but I gotta do this to you’. Next thing I know I’m all up inside that and she is raping the shit out of my cock. It was fucking amazing.”
Ferdinand took a long drag out of his cigarette reliving that post coital moment. I had never seen him so sedate in my life. I wanted to just let him have his moment but I couldn’t. I had to be a bastard and correct him.
“Ferdinand, that’s not rape.”
“I’m sorry what?”
“You weren’t raped.”
“Yes I was. How dare you imply that.”
“No, you went with it. There was consent. Just because you didn’t give her a permission slip does not mean that she raped you. She might have taken advantage of you but I wouldn’t call it rape. You even enjoyed it! You said it yourself!”
“Of course I enjoyed it. She was hot! It was the best possible way to be raped! I wouldn’t want to be raped in any other way!”
By this time I was hungry and had grown tired of Ferdinand’s sexual stories from his past. I wish I could think that they were fabricated but with Ferdinand one could never tell. One time at a bar he had snuck four girls into a restroom stall. He sat on a toilet explaining the plot to an episode of Perfect Strangers. I asked later what had happened and he replied saying that he promised them all a story if they would each take turns giving him a hand job.
I pulled into what appeared to be an average mom and pop barbeque restaurant. We walked inside, sat down and started looking at the menu. I had noticed a jukebox in the corner and being sick of static from the radio and Ferdinand’s escapades I decided to check it out. It was a horrible jukebox. I can always enjoy some good old classic Johnny Cash or Willie Nelson; this however was pretty bad. It was either some poppy country piece of shit or it was something that I had never even heard of. Then I spotted it; the lone album that seemed very out of place among its other neighbors. Al Green: The Hits. I was excited at the discovery and I began to raise my dollar to the slot.
“Excuse me. I am going to have to ask what selection you are about to make.”
I turned around to find a man standing behind me. He had to be at least three hundred pounds. He hadn’t shaved in the last decade and I am surprised that I didn’t hear or feel the ground shaking as we walked behind me. He also smelled like gasoline, unleaded or course.
“I was just going to play some Al Green.”
“No you’re not.”
“What? Why is that CD broken or something?”
He leaned in, his massive gut pushing me against the box.
“I eat lunch here everyday. Everyday I sit by this jukebox at this table. Everyday I eat ribs with a side of potato salad and beans. And everyday I make sure nobody plays shitty music on the jukebox. I suggest you play some Rascal Flatts or go back to your table.”
The last thing I wanted to do was to spoil the behemoths lunch. I politely excused myself and headed back to my table.
“What the hell happened over there?” Ferdinand asked.
I explained to him the concept of the jukebox police.
“Are you kidding me? I can’t believe it! Why would somebody hate on Al Green? Here. Give me that dollar. I want to hear some Love and Happiness whether that fucker likes it or not.”
Before I could stop him he had snatched the dollar out of my hand and was headed over to the corner of the room. I saw the same routine that the Behemoth pulled on me being used against Ferdinand. Ferdinand acted as if he understood him fine and the Behemoth went back to stuffing his face. Ferdinand made his selection and ran back to the table.
“Man that fucker’s going to be so mad at you.”
“Me? What did you do?”
“Yeah, I told him that you told me to pick the songs for you. I then chose ‘Let’s Stay Together’, ‘Love and Happiness’, and my personal favorite ‘I’m so Tired of Being Alone’.”
I began to sweat. Inviting him on this trip was a horrible idea. I should have just left him at home. I knew he was going to wreak havoc. He always does this and I am always the one who has to face the consequences. Then I heard the music. I have never feared the sound of Al Greens voice so much. Behemoth stopped eating and surveyed the room. His eyes locked on us and without even wiping the sauce off of his face he headed toward us. It probably didn’t help that Ferdinand was singing along at the top of his lungs.
“I thought I said no Al Green!”
“Oh I thought you said no Green Day…”
Ferdinand was interrupted by the Behemoth grabbing him by his shirt and pulling him out of the booth. Ferdinand start kicking his legs and swinging his arms trying to get out of the Behemoths grasp. Dishes were broken, sauce was flung, and bread was stepped on. It was a mess. Ferdinand continued singing at the top of his lungs while the Behemoth was yelling ethnic and sexual slurs. I was debating whether I needed to attack the Behemoth or just run away. I unwisely chose the former and received a blow to the stomach that knocked the wind out of me. The manager, either mom or pop, I can’t even remember which, broke up Behemoth and Ferdinand and kicked us out of the restaurant. Behemoth, who I think might have been related to them, was allowed to stay.
I was covered in barbeque sauce and gasping at the dust filled air around me. Ferdinand was still singing.
*******
“So let me get this straight. You were headed to the wedding but because of Ferdinand, who was a roommate you had in college..”
“No, we were just friends. We had some classes together.”
“I thought that you said that you were roommates.”
“I did? Oh I meant to say were just friends.”
“How come I never met him? What was his last name again?”
“It was? Smith…”
“Ferdinand Smith? We dated for a long time I thought I met all your friends.”
“Well I you never met Ferdinand.”
“Ok. Fine. So you were headed here but then you got into a fight at some barbeque place..”
“…That Ferdinand started…”
“That Ferdinand had started, you feared that one of your ribs was broken and drove all the way back home.”
“That’s right. That’s exactly what happened.”
“Marc, you missed the wedding completely.”
“I know, I really wanted to be there, I swear. But you understand right? I really didn’t want to have a messed up ribcage.”
“I really wanted you to be there.”
“Well, I’m sorry Sue. Tell…”
“Charles.”
“Yeah. Charles. Tell him that I send my congratulations.”
“I will. Tell Ferdinand to stop getting you in trouble.”
“What? Oh yeah. Right. I’ll let him know.”
