It’s been so long it feels like the first time.

3 04 2009

I just looked at the date of the last time I wrote anything here at the old blog. What happened to my life when I once I had a livejournal and updated that things sometimes multiple times a day.  Whether it was a story from that day or just a joke I was constant on that thing. I was also young and stupid and said a lot of young and stupid things. That’s why I am not giving out the web link for it.

I am busy now. Which is a good thing. The moments I do get to write I apply to other projects that require a bit more priority then the blog does. Yet Thetimmywoodblog will again suffer as I say another promise that I will try and update you more often.  I will probably get distracted and forget but in this moment I am sincere to you weblog. I really will try.

Whatever nobody reads this anyway. Well Paul does. And hes a jerk. I kid Paul.

By the way I wish to clarify that is directed towards Salazar not  Montgomery. Although I don’t think the latter reads this anyway. Proof me wrong Philly boy!





You’re Gonna Make It After All.

9 10 2008

So in the next couple weeks I will have started a brand new job and will be getting a new place to live. It’s like I am on the first episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

But I thought you were looking for a place to live by yourself  Timmy. That way you could become a hermit and shun everyone away just like your heroes Ernest Hemingway, Alan Moore, and Treat Williams.
I know. I know. But I wasn’t really finding a place and it was getting harder and harder to look with all these projects coming together like they have. A friend called me. She said that her roommate was moving out and she lived in a condo with her sister and they needed someone pretty quickly. I told her that I was looking for my own place but I would come by and look at it. I did and it had too many things going for it.
1. Down the street from my new job. I could bike there if I wanted.
2. A little fenced patio area that is perfect for Hobbes.
3. They don’t mind that I have a puppy. In fact they seem excited by it.
4. Super big condo. Looks great and amazing cheap rent.

So despite my attempts to become a hermit I was thwarted and had to take it. I move in on Sunday.

Well that sounds just grand Timmy. You got a new job? What happened to Starbucks?
Starbucks was fun. Flexible schedule. Benefits for part time employees. Free Coffee. And probably the best looking customers in the world (all ages. I am not joking there are some MILFs, GMILFs, in fact some just plain old ILFs.) But my body yearns for a set nine to five schedule. And getting to work ar 4 in the morning, while it can be fun, really has taken it’s toll on me. I will be working at an Interior Design Showroom and it looks so much more laid back then Starbucks was. I am looking forward to it.

That’s all for now. By the way I love crappy 90’s pop music. I know how bad it is but I love it.





Obligatory Hurrican Ike Post

12 09 2008

So i am not evacuating. I am staying in Friendswood with my parents and my brother and my dogs. Although now I may be regretting my decison as I listen to my parents argue about whether we are going to be hit by the storm or not.
I think I will take this weekend to catch up on my sleep, reading and work on some of those writing projects I have been putting off.
so if i don’t post for a couple of days that means Ike knocked out my power just like he did to poor Tina.





I AM EXTERMINATOR!

9 09 2008

As many of you know, I am temporarily leaving with my parents. Which has led to many wacky adventures and by many I mean one.

I was talking to my dad and he said that he thought there was a mouse loose in the house. I thought this was interesting. My parents have lived in the same house since I was one and they have never had any pest problems with mice or anything of the sort.

Then last night I am in bed reading. It is about midnight or maybe a little later. I am not sure. I hear my mom bang on the door.
“Help. Help. We need you help.”
I leap out of bed and rush to their room. My dad is looking around the room.
“There was a mouse in our bed. I think it went under it.”
So I grab a shoe box to catch and my Dad decides to lift the bed. I stand ready. I am not going to let this mouse get by me. By the way, my parents room is a mess and their is shit everywhere.
So my dad lefts the bed and not one but FIVE FUCKING MICE RUN AT ME. All I had was a 8 1/2 woman’s Easy Spirit shoe box. My parents freak out. All five mice run into other hiding areas in the room. Dressers, desks, etc.
I know my parents are not going to go to bed or allow anyone else in the house to all these mice are out of there. I felt bad about it, but I knew we weren’t going to catch them either. I am sorry animal lovers but there was only one solution and that was to exterminate. I also had to be a work at 5:30 in the morning. So I was going by the “Timmy needs to get to bed ASAP” logic.
My father and I decided to abandon the capture the mouse plan and we upgrade our shoe box to tennis raquets. He had one and I had one.
We proceeded to then hunt down the mice one by one.
me: I saw one go under your dresser.
dad: hitting a pile of clothes randomly with raquet.
me: Dad, we know for sure that there is one under here let’s just get that one.
dad: Fine. We need a flashlight.
mom: I have a flashlight.
me: We don’t need a flashlight. If you just lift the dresser I can chase him out and then you beat him with the raquets.
dad: I found a flashlight.
mom: that flash light doesn’t work
dad: Yes it does. It worked at one point so it should work now.
mom: no, they were cheap. they never worked.
dad: let me try and put new batteries.
mom: new batteries aren’t going to change anything if the actual light won’t work.
dad; well we won’t know that until we tried now can we.
mom: why don’t you just listen to me. You never listen to me.
dad; i do too listen. I am just not agreeing.
mom: well why don’t you believe me. I know the light doesn’t work, I say the light doesn’t work but you are so stubborn you can’t believe me until you mess with it for an hour.
dad: it looks like someone took the bulb out of this light-
me: CAN WE FORGET THE STUPID FLASHLIGHT FOR A MOMENT AND FOCUS ON THE MICE!!!!

That was pretty much the whole night. We ended up catching (and killing, sorry PETA) four of the mice but I could have sworn I had counted five earlier, when they had attacked ran at me. I argued again with my parents as we tore the bedroom apart. But I was positive that their was another one.
After quite some time of looking under everything. I had almost given up hope. Then I saw him. I exclaimed of his prescence to the rest of the room as my father then played a modified game of “Whack-A-Mole” finally I deliver a final blow which somehow catapulted him up in the air and across the room. (I had hit him on a binder or folder of some sort which caused it fly up in the air. I am not sure of how the physics of that worked but it happened.
me: HAHAHA Take that! You thought you could hide from me! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD HIDE FROM ME! Well you couln’t so take that! WHOOO! Thank you folks. I’ll BE HERE ALL WEEK! GOODNIGHT!

I walked back to my sisters room (that’s where I’m sleeping, she is at UT) and looked at my phone. 2:30 gotta get up in two hours. I felt bad that I had to kill those mice to get rid of them and yet I had a strong sense of accomplisment. I had a strong two hours of sleep, strong deep sleep. Sleep that i haven’t had due to stress and issues I have been having. It felt good.
Timmy Wood: 5
Mice: 0





Sick and Painting

6 09 2008

So I seem to have come down with some sort of cold and I hate it. Man, this is what happens when you move in with you parents and your nine year old brother (I think he is the reason I got this cold.)

My grandparents also hired me to paint their walk-in kitchen pantry today. It is pretty big and the first thing I had to do was take out everything out of there. Holy Crap. They have enough food to feed an army. And what made me laugh the hardest was the duplicates of everything. All can foods came in multiples of five or six but they were all from different times. It was like they went to the store and couldn’t remember what they had so the just bought it anyway. And the nuts. Holy Shit there was so many containers of mixed nuts, cashews, walnuts, I mean I know my grandparents were drinkers but they really needed that many nuts. Grandma said anything I wanted I could take though. So I might take some cereal and chef boyardee that I found.
I need to get better. I have a ComedySportz show tomorrow night. A kids show Sunday Morning and a ComedySportz remote on Sunday evening (a remote is where a company hires us to go to them and perform at like dinners, conferences, or church functions.) I need to access my mutant power and heal up!





Timmy’s Dream Analysis

3 09 2008

So I had two really fucked up dreams last night.

The first was so creepy. I was at my parents house (which is where I am staying for the time being) and I was in my sisters room. No one was home and all the lights were off. I was standing there and I heard my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend? girlfriend in another state? whatever it is) calling my name. I wander into the house and it is pitch black. I see some sort of figure in the corner behind my moms recliner. I keep asking it it’s her and it says nothing. I decide to reach out and touch it and it bites me. It then jumps on top of me and it feels like some sort of humanoid, demonic, being with super sharp teeth. It keeps biting me and biting me and I am trying to wrestle it off of me. This is when I wake up.
So that was weird. I wonder does it have something to do with my current situation and how unhappy it has made me. Am I wrestling this “depression” and it is trying to kill me. Who knows.
I think the real analysis is that I shouldn’t have watched David Lynch’s Lost Highway right before I went to bed.
The second dream was just weird and I am not going to into detail on here about it (no it wasn’t what you are thinkin) it had something to do with a party, Charlotte’s web and Eskimo kisses.





Three Plays for a Dollar

31 08 2008

This is a short story I wrote a long time ago. I found it recently and thought I would share it on my blog. Let me know what you think.

We left on time like we had planned. Hell, I think we might have gotten on the road even earlier than planned. Driving on an empty road at seven in the morning has a weird way of bringing up conversation. I don’t know if you ever met Ferdinand? I met him pretty early in college. He was my first roommate. He had just recently got fired from his job for encouraging his customers to steal. His claim was that a shirt should never cost more than thirty dollars. He was just bumming around so I asked if he was interested in joining me on a road trip to this wedding. He remembered Sue and said that he wouldn’t mind watching her tie the knot. I assured him that she didn’t have any attractive relatives or friends so chances of him hooking up with anyone were slim. He said that he would come anyway. He is either one of the best friends I have ever had or just has extremely low standards.

“Hey, how do you know that she doesn’t have any hot friends anyway?”

“I dated her for a year. I think I remember who most of her close friends were.”

“Maybe she got new friends, she got a new fiancé.”

“I was never her fiancé.”

“Oh. My bad.”

Ferdinand pulled out the map. The obnoxious crinkle from the paper blended nicely with the static from the radio.

“What time is the wedding?

“Seven.”

“So what time do we have to be there?”

“Seven.”

“That’s a shame. I heard they were having some sort of hot dog eating festival in Austin today. We could stop there for lunch. I bet they even have hot dog themed rides.”

“I would love to stop, believe me, but we have to keep driving if we are going to make time.”

“See you don’t even want to go to this wedding. This is the perfect opportunity. We stop at Hot Dog Land and then we leave to make it in time for the reception. I mean that’s the only part of the wedding that anyone really notices anyone else. Sue is going to be so concerned with shacking up with Mr. Right that she is not even going to notice that you weren’t at the ceremony.”

“No! I RSVPed and when you do that you make a promise.”

“Fine. Fine. You’re just mad because you know I would kick your ass at a hot dog eating contest.”

“I don’t even like hot dogs!”

“That is very un-American.”

I knew Ferdinand was right, not about the hot dogs about the wedding. I didn’t want to be there. Who wants to watch their ex-girlfriend get married. I couldn’t believe that I had even agreed to it. I always had a bad habit of doing whatever Sue wanted even whenever she was dating other men. I was just going to use this event as closure to chapter Sue in the novel of life.

I continued to drive down the old country road. Ferdinand lit a cigarette and I decided to see how long it would take him to ask permission to smoke in my car. He had stolen some sort of men’s magazine from the last gas station we had stopped at. You know the ones that have an up and coming hot actress on the cover wearing a hat, nothing else, just a hat. He was flipping through it giving me his commentary.

“I’d fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck her. Finger that one…but I’d fuck her friend. Fuck her. I would have sex with this one but I would be thinking about that one. I’d give this one a handshake… that’s it though…”

“You are all talk. I guarantee that you wouldn’t have the balls to even approach these women if you had the chance.”

“Bullshit. I got balls.”

“You’re all talk. You always have been.”

“Motherfucker you don’t know what I have been through. I have had some of the craziest fucked up shit happen to me. If you know only knew the half of it then you would know why I have no shame about approaching any bitch at anytime of the day.”

“Alright. Let’s here some of these crazy experiences that have shaped you as a man.”
“Ok, let’s see. Well, for example, I was raped.”

Yeah, that’s what he said. That he was raped. At first I felt really sorry for having made him bring it up, yet then I realized that there was a look of accomplishment on his face.

“Raped?”

“That’s right.”

“Like..by a… guy…or something?”

“Ah fuck no dude. I’m not gay.”

“It doesn’t mean you’re gay.”

“It was by a woman and she was amazing. It was my first time.”

“This doesn’t sound like rape at all Ferdinand.”

“It was rape like crazy, dude. This was when I was pretty young. I was nineteen and had just started at that clothing store. We had this manager who was a knockout. She was tall, had red hair, nice tits, and an ass and a smile that was so hot it would even give a boner to a woman. We started talking but it was kind of weird for me because I was young and stupid. I wanted to meet that special girl, fall in love, start a family, and all that pussy shit. I was a lot like you. This woman, though, would not give up on me. She would take me to some bar and complain about how much she didn’t love her husband and stuff.”

“Wait she was married? How old was she?”

“Like twenty nine or something. Hey is it alright if I smoke in here?”

Five Minutes.

“It’s fine. Go on with your story.”

“So she would take me out and we would make out but that was it. She was married. I wasn’t about to get into that shit with her. She would beg me to have sex with her, but I was firm in what I believed in at the time. She said that she understood. That was that. Then December 15, 2003, we have the company holiday party and we both get drunk as hell. She pulls me into my boss’s guest bedroom and we start making out again. Things get a little crazy and to cut to the chase my pants have somehow been ripped off and she is super naked. She grabs my cock and says ‘I’m sorry but I gotta do this to you’. Next thing I know I’m all up inside that and she is raping the shit out of my cock. It was fucking amazing.”

Ferdinand took a long drag out of his cigarette reliving that post coital moment. I had never seen him so sedate in my life. I wanted to just let him have his moment but I couldn’t. I had to be a bastard and correct him.

“Ferdinand, that’s not rape.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“You weren’t raped.”

“Yes I was. How dare you imply that.”

“No, you went with it. There was consent. Just because you didn’t give her a permission slip does not mean that she raped you. She might have taken advantage of you but I wouldn’t call it rape. You even enjoyed it! You said it yourself!”

“Of course I enjoyed it. She was hot! It was the best possible way to be raped! I wouldn’t want to be raped in any other way!”

By this time I was hungry and had grown tired of Ferdinand’s sexual stories from his past. I wish I could think that they were fabricated but with Ferdinand one could never tell. One time at a bar he had snuck four girls into a restroom stall. He sat on a toilet explaining the plot to an episode of Perfect Strangers. I asked later what had happened and he replied saying that he promised them all a story if they would each take turns giving him a hand job.

I pulled into what appeared to be an average mom and pop barbeque restaurant. We walked inside, sat down and started looking at the menu. I had noticed a jukebox in the corner and being sick of static from the radio and Ferdinand’s escapades I decided to check it out. It was a horrible jukebox. I can always enjoy some good old classic Johnny Cash or Willie Nelson; this however was pretty bad. It was either some poppy country piece of shit or it was something that I had never even heard of. Then I spotted it; the lone album that seemed very out of place among its other neighbors. Al Green: The Hits. I was excited at the discovery and I began to raise my dollar to the slot.

“Excuse me. I am going to have to ask what selection you are about to make.”

I turned around to find a man standing behind me. He had to be at least three hundred pounds. He hadn’t shaved in the last decade and I am surprised that I didn’t hear or feel the ground shaking as we walked behind me. He also smelled like gasoline, unleaded or course.

“I was just going to play some Al Green.”

“No you’re not.”

“What? Why is that CD broken or something?”

He leaned in, his massive gut pushing me against the box.

“I eat lunch here everyday. Everyday I sit by this jukebox at this table. Everyday I eat ribs with a side of potato salad and beans. And everyday I make sure nobody plays shitty music on the jukebox. I suggest you play some Rascal Flatts or go back to your table.”

The last thing I wanted to do was to spoil the behemoths lunch. I politely excused myself and headed back to my table.

“What the hell happened over there?” Ferdinand asked.

I explained to him the concept of the jukebox police.

“Are you kidding me? I can’t believe it! Why would somebody hate on Al Green? Here. Give me that dollar. I want to hear some Love and Happiness whether that fucker likes it or not.”

Before I could stop him he had snatched the dollar out of my hand and was headed over to the corner of the room. I saw the same routine that the Behemoth pulled on me being used against Ferdinand. Ferdinand acted as if he understood him fine and the Behemoth went back to stuffing his face. Ferdinand made his selection and ran back to the table.

“Man that fucker’s going to be so mad at you.”

“Me? What did you do?”

“Yeah, I told him that you told me to pick the songs for you. I then chose ‘Let’s Stay Together’, ‘Love and Happiness’, and my personal favorite ‘I’m so Tired of Being Alone’.”

I began to sweat. Inviting him on this trip was a horrible idea. I should have just left him at home. I knew he was going to wreak havoc. He always does this and I am always the one who has to face the consequences. Then I heard the music. I have never feared the sound of Al Greens voice so much. Behemoth stopped eating and surveyed the room. His eyes locked on us and without even wiping the sauce off of his face he headed toward us. It probably didn’t help that Ferdinand was singing along at the top of his lungs.

“I thought I said no Al Green!”

“Oh I thought you said no Green Day…”

Ferdinand was interrupted by the Behemoth grabbing him by his shirt and pulling him out of the booth. Ferdinand start kicking his legs and swinging his arms trying to get out of the Behemoths grasp. Dishes were broken, sauce was flung, and bread was stepped on. It was a mess. Ferdinand continued singing at the top of his lungs while the Behemoth was yelling ethnic and sexual slurs. I was debating whether I needed to attack the Behemoth or just run away. I unwisely chose the former and received a blow to the stomach that knocked the wind out of me. The manager, either mom or pop, I can’t even remember which, broke up Behemoth and Ferdinand and kicked us out of the restaurant. Behemoth, who I think might have been related to them, was allowed to stay.

I was covered in barbeque sauce and gasping at the dust filled air around me. Ferdinand was still singing.

*******

“So let me get this straight. You were headed to the wedding but because of Ferdinand, who was a roommate you had in college..”

“No, we were just friends. We had some classes together.”

“I thought that you said that you were roommates.”

“I did? Oh I meant to say were just friends.”

“How come I never met him? What was his last name again?”

“It was? Smith…”

“Ferdinand Smith? We dated for a long time I thought I met all your friends.”

“Well I you never met Ferdinand.”

“Ok. Fine. So you were headed here but then you got into a fight at some barbeque place..”
“…That Ferdinand started…”

“That Ferdinand had started, you feared that one of your ribs was broken and drove all the way back home.”

“That’s right. That’s exactly what happened.”

“Marc, you missed the wedding completely.”

“I know, I really wanted to be there, I swear. But you understand right? I really didn’t want to have a messed up ribcage.”

“I really wanted you to be there.”

“Well, I’m sorry Sue. Tell…”

“Charles.”

“Yeah. Charles. Tell him that I send my congratulations.”

“I will. Tell Ferdinand to stop getting you in trouble.”

“What? Oh yeah. Right. I’ll let him know.”





Back in god old H-Town

26 08 2008

So I am back in Houston. I suddenly feel like a whole new chapter of my life is starting. I am getting a new apartment. Starting up on some new opportunities in the fall and so many things have changed. So that suck some that are great.

The ones that suck are pretty shitty though. I had one of the worst days of my life yesterday. Leaving that Lagardia airport and trying so hard not to cry (and failing) was one of the most heartbreaking things that has ever happened to me. I have had some sad shit happen before but nothing affected me like yesterday. So now I am back in Houston. Trying not to think about it.
By the way the title of this blog was supposed to be Back in good old H-town. I decided to go with the typo.

By the way my longform Improv troupe will be performing in Austen at the Out of Bounds Improv Festival tomorrow so you should check it out if you are in town. 8pm at the Salvage Vanguard Theatre. $10. I promise I will be funny and not depressing like this blog post was.





NYC Trip

15 08 2008

This trip has been quite interesting. I have enjoyed the festival and I need to make it out to see some more shows. I have to see NOIR: a Shot and a Chaser and also Exodus. I am going to try and make those most definitly before the festival ends.

Alright we have another show tonight. I am pretty excited.





Show Opens Tonight!

11 08 2008

My show CHOOSE YOUR OWN PLAY will be having its New York City Premier tonight at 7pm. It will be showing at the CSV Cultural and Educational Center-Milagro which is at 107 Suffolk St. (in between Rivington and Delancey Streets).
The other performance dates are

Monday 8/11 @ 7pm (TONIGHT!)
Wednesday 8/13 @3:15 pm
Friday 8/15 @9:30 pm
Monday 8/18 @5:15 pm
Thursday 8/21 @9:30 pm

Come check out a show. It is a lot of fun and YOU decided what happens. So if you like audience participation, comedy, mythical sea creatures, magic spoons, live sex scenes, pogs, God, Satan, desert islands, or shows with over 80 different endings, than you might like this show.

www.chooseyourownplay.net